


No More Dicks (Not Literally)

by Amuly



Category: Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Superfamily, Superhusbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 02:43:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dedicated to the "Superfamily" fandom on tumblr, who have been the recipients of a lot of wank recently: here's a stupid little ficlet where Scarlet Witch declares "No More Being Dicks". Steve and Tony adjust to living in such a world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Dicks (Not Literally)

**Author's Note:**

> Suggested by [sirdef](www.sirdef.tumblr.com)

 

“Steve, let's get out of here.”

“No. This is how it's done, Tony.”

“Seriously, Steve: I feel like I caught hepatitis just stepping through the door.” Tony glanced around the unemployment office. “I think the suit I'm wearing just dropped a grand in resale value.”

Steadfastly, Steve kept his arms crossed and stayed seated in the dinky little plastic chair. “No, Tony. And stop being cruel. I wouldn't even think that you would be capable anymore--”

“Since Scarlet Witch pronounced 'no more being dicks'?”

Steve frowned at the language, but didn't correct Tony, or even look up at him. “Yes.”

Tony eyed the chair next to Steve. It looked... stained. Gross. Sighing, Tony threw himself down in it. “It's not being a dick if I'm just stating the truth.”

Steve snorted. “Of course you can be a... _rude_... by stating the truth. That's what _tact_ is for, Tony.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Tony tried not to touch anything. Or breathe the air. Steve flipped through some old magazines, looking like he was completely at ease with his situation.

Eventually, the silence became unbearable for Tony. “Let me employ you.”

“I'll get employment the same way as any other hard-working American,” Steve replied.

“I'm _giving_ you employment the same way as any other hard-working American,” Tony snapped. “The same way as thousands of Stark employees got work. You're hard-working, you have a great resume—don't believe me? Here, I'll pull up your resume right now, you're qualified--”

“For what work?” Steve cut in.

Tony sighed and closed the file he had opened on his phone. Steve's hands were clasped between his knees, fingers twisting and turning over each other. Tony reached over and placed one hand on top of his. He squeezed, watching as Steve's shoulders sagged and relaxed at the little point of contact.

“I'm grateful” Steve insisted. “I'm grateful no one is... rude, anymore. Or villainous. Or evil. But.”

“But now you're out of a job,” Tony replied. “Yeah, I know. You, and every other superhero, and half the police force. Come on, Steve: let me do this for you. Let me give you work.”

“I don't want to be your kept man.”

Tony sighed and knocked his head back against the wall behind them. Then he thought about lice and crabs and all sorts of other unsavory diseases that probably had walked through this place in the past and thought better of it.

“At least all the people make fun of us for de facto adopting Peter years ago have shut up,” Tony pointed out.

Steve nodded, small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“And Aunt May wasn't too proud to accept my money this month,” Tony pointed out. “Come on.” He knocked his shoulder into Steve's. Steve knocked back, just lightly. “Stop this. I could use a bodyguard, probably.”

“Aren't half the former Avengers your 'bodyguards'?” But Steve was standing, real smile on his face. He kept his hand tight in Tony's, which Tony didn't mind at all. After all, wasn't like there was anyone left to sneer at them or, more than one memorable time, spit on them, for it. Not since everyone had stopped being a dick.

“Just until they find gainful employment,” Tony pointed out.

The two men stepped out of the welfare office together, bright sun causing Tony to blink rapidly before he tugged his sunglasses down over his eyes with his right hand, left still firmly captured in Steve's. He squeezed Steve's hand, causing the other man to glance over at him in the shining light of day. “And you'll find work, too. Even if it's just the 'saving kittens brigade.'”

Steve smiled softly, then grinned. “I suppose there's always room for heroes. Even if everyone has stopped being-”

“-a dick,” Tony finished for him.

Steve rolled his eyes, but the smile stayed firmly on his face.

“Come on.” Tony tugged at Steve's arm until he bent down for a kiss. “Let's go home.”

 

**CODA**

 

A half-state away, at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, Scott Summers lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Softly he whispered: “Who am I?”

 


End file.
